Little Daddy

Someone recently found these of my dad as a little lad.  Definitely worth a post!

Curls AND teeth. Thanks Pa!

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unplanned, accidental 
(an allegory on abortion)

Someday, when Nick has fallen from a rock and is three months in a coma, I will pay someone to kill him.

That’s right.  The clean, white sheets will part and his beating heart will be stabbed into stillness. 

Once dead, I will move forward knowing that I am better off.  That he is better off—that new life devoid of purpose. 

Without his voice, his ideas, his physical participation, our relationship is meaningless.  

When we got married, I wanted something I could count on.  I wanted order.   

We made plans and those plans changed when he fell.   

We were going to raise our children, buy a boat and spend our winters sailing the Caribbean.  We were taking a year off to travel the world. 

When he fell silent, that tormenting beep on the monitor his only sign of life, it suddenly seemed so simple. He’d be gone and I could carry on.  

If Nick could only see it through my eyes, I’m sure he’d understand.  He’d probably do the same if the shoe were on the other foot.

He’d know I never meant to drop him: I could’ve sworn that knot was tight. 

My devotional given to the SOTW cast on opening night

About four weeks ago I woke up with a thousand things on my mind, the phone rang and it was my dad telling me that my cousin, Matthew, was dead. He had taken his own life. It was the last thing we thought would ever happen, and it was devastating news. He was only 41 and had been deaf his whole life. As the details of his death unfolded, we learned that his suicide was a result of a really cruel prank and ongoing bullying from some coworkers.  A few days after Matthews death, one of Jon’s neighbors, a young mother of two was driving to work. A teenage boy in a big truck illegally passed a slower car on a blind turn. There was a terrible crash, and the young mom died and the boy walked away. 

While my thoughts and prayers have been for my loved ones and the family of this young mom, a part of me aches for those who wounded my cousin and the boy who foolishly, in an immature moment decided to pass a slower car.  These people will carry a very heavy burden for the rest of their lives. A burden that is much to difficult to shoulder alone.

I personally, have had a difficult month.  Generally I’m a very happy and lighthearted person and thankfully my life has always moved along quite seamlessly.  However, this past month has been filled with much sadness, stress and a lot of disappointment.  Many of my friends who know me well have each said something like,  “You have a lot going on—won’t you be so glad when the play is finally over?” And instantly I'd think.. “if you ONLY knew.” This show, my interactions with you, and the love of my Savior have literally been my oasis.  There have been countless days where I would feel super stressed or down all day and then the very moment I would get in my car for rehearsal.. a tangible peace would wash over me and I would feel instantly renewed.  This happened over and over again.  And every time it did, I just felt so grateful and understood.

I love the title... Savior of the World. HE IS the remedy to all the suffering and hardship that exists on earth. For the young boy who survived the car crash, or the bullies who have to live with the consequences of their actions—HE is their Savior—their hope for peace. 

These past five nights I have been privileged to sit back and let His story sink deeply into my heart and lift my spirit.  He has brought peace to my mind when nothing else could. He has heard my prayers and helped me find clarity amid confusion.

I’d like to combine a few of my very favorite lines from the play, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you.  Not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid.  Lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world."

I hope that each of your lives have been blessed, as you have sacrificed to be part of this great experience. That like me, your testimonies has been strengthened and you have found more peace in your life.

I know that tonight in our audience there will be some hearts that are heavy, that are grieving, that are lost or confused.  Jesus Christ is whom they seek. His message of love and redemption is the most important story in the world.

Thank you for sharing yourselves with me.  This experience has filled my well and bought me years worth of happiness. I will forever be grateful for the love and friendship we've shared and the common experience that will always bind us together.

 

Be Still

Someday I will be old and near-blind and I will scroll through this blog to reminisce. This photo will remind me of one moment in time I never want to forget.  All I will need to do is plug this song into my ears and I will be transported to the very essence of this memory.  It was one of those poignant times where I was filled with so much love and gratitude for all of life's goodness and blessings, which seems ironic considering we were driving to the burial site of our dear cousin, Matt.  

It was in this space of sadness and grief that I was given this incredible glimpse of how great God truly is to give us families and the hope of a better world to come.  With four of my five siblings, I drove through the deserts of Southern Utah with music blaring and the wind in our hair--lost in our thoughts, the sights and the serenity of experiencing both the nearness of death and the absolute richness of life. Opposition in all things.  When "Be Still" came on, we too grew still and listened with a collective intensity, sharing the same thoughts and feelings as the lyrics swelled our hearts and seemed to capture the very spirit of Matt's life. We took turns reminiscing and expressing our love and appreciation for him and the gift we had been given to feel him so near through the message and mood of that song. 

Be still

And go on to bed
Nobody knows what lies ahead
And life is short
To say the least
We're in the belly of the beast

Be still
Wild and young
Long may your innocence reign
Like shells on the shore
And may your limits be unknown
And may your efforts be your own
If you ever feel you can't take it anymore

Don't break character
You've got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Rise up like the sun
Labor 'til the work is done

Be still
One day you'll leave
Fearlessness on your sleeve
When you've come back, tell me what did you see
What did you see?
Was there something out there for me?

Be still
Close your eyes
Soon enough you'll be on your own
Steady and straight
And if they drag you through the mud
It doesn't change what's in your blood
(Over rock, over chain, over trap, over plain)
When they knock you down

Don't break character
You've got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Be still
Be still
Be still
Be still

Over rock and chain
Over sunset plain
Over trap and snare
When you're in too deep
In your wildest dream
In your made up scheme
When they knock you down
When they knock you down

Don't break character
You've got so much heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Oh rise up like the sun and
Labor 'til the work is done
Rise up like the sun and 
Labor 'til the work is 
Rise up like the sun and 
Labor 'til the work is done

(Be Still / The Killers)

A Very Significant Sadness 

My heart aches at the news that my darling cousin, Matt, has passed away.  

Such a dear and precious person.  

Matt, I will miss your full and ready smile, your strong wiry hugs, your signature voice and sound and your never-ending patience and love for the rest of us. We, who could never really understand what it meant to live in perpetual silence.  

I think of the words to "Starry, Starry Night" about Vincent Van Gogh and they achingly remind me of you:

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy linen land

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night
You took your life, as lovers often do
But I could have told you, Vincent
This world was never meant for one 

As beautiful as you

Rest peacefully sweet cousin-- until we meet again. XO

Happy Birthday Baby Blue-eyes

 

Fifteen years old for this incredible child of mine!  Natalie is wise beyond her years, competent, kind and and quickly becoming one of my very best friends.  A special birthday for a most remarkable girl! 

In the midst of winter...

London hat gets some play

Handsome, handsome

Made by Mom

Made by Dad

Tender things are far and few...

Look Ma! 

Money in their eyes!

 Peace

What Matters Most 

 Valentines breakfast with my little loves. 

The Chilly Big Apple 

 It was a fun few days away for Camille, Lulu and their daddies.  It was nonstop and not even the cold weather could stop them from making the most of their big city adventure! 

Today's the Day

The day I start catching up on my drafts from 2012.  I'm currently writing the idiots guide on how to conduct a blog, but golly, it works for me!  I find it to be a great exercise of the mind--staring at a picture and doing my gosh darnedest to remember one thing about the event or day.  But just look at me in front of that fire.  I can honestly say this kind of morning is right up there with summer at the beach though it feels almost blasphemous to say so. The sky is white, the fire red, and my head is so in the game.  Plus, Mitchell got a beanbag for Christmas so I finally got my writing spot right where I want it.  Oh, and it's my 21st anniversary on being married.  Congrats Nick!  You're a lucky, lucky man.

 A Balmy Thanksgiving

We decided to switch it up in a big way this year and headed to California to see the amazing Sedgwick family.  This is part of our family that we just don't get to see enough and so we decided to change that this year!  We had such a fun time staying with them and watching the kids become better friends.  Thanksgiving day was so enjoyable spending time cooking, listening to music and enjoying the traditional feast together.  Once the holiday wrapped up we headed to Knott's Berry Farm to kick off Christmas.  It was so festive and fun--lots of holiday shows and time well spent together.  So glad we made the time to change things up and spend a week in sunny California with people we love. 

Seasonal Snaps

Why the long face?

MHF audition

Edgy

Aw, Mama!

This calls for a selfie

We Bad A

Dummy!

Disgruntled DJ

I smell a newborn

Seasonal stunner

All fun and games till someone got faint

Buffalo baubles