Be Still

Someday I will be old and near-blind and I will scroll through this blog to reminisce. This photo will remind me of one moment in time I never want to forget.  All I will need to do is plug this song into my ears and I will be transported to the very essence of this memory.  It was one of those poignant times where I was filled with so much love and gratitude for all of life's goodness and blessings, which seems ironic considering we were driving to the burial site of our dear cousin, Matt.  

It was in this space of sadness and grief that I was given this incredible glimpse of how great God truly is to give us families and the hope of a better world to come.  With four of my five siblings, I drove through the deserts of Southern Utah with music blaring and the wind in our hair--lost in our thoughts, the sights and the serenity of experiencing both the nearness of death and the absolute richness of life. Opposition in all things.  When "Be Still" came on, we too grew still and listened with a collective intensity, sharing the same thoughts and feelings as the lyrics swelled our hearts and seemed to capture the very spirit of Matt's life. We took turns reminiscing and expressing our love and appreciation for him and the gift we had been given to feel him so near through the message and mood of that song. 

Be still

And go on to bed
Nobody knows what lies ahead
And life is short
To say the least
We're in the belly of the beast

Be still
Wild and young
Long may your innocence reign
Like shells on the shore
And may your limits be unknown
And may your efforts be your own
If you ever feel you can't take it anymore

Don't break character
You've got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Rise up like the sun
Labor 'til the work is done

Be still
One day you'll leave
Fearlessness on your sleeve
When you've come back, tell me what did you see
What did you see?
Was there something out there for me?

Be still
Close your eyes
Soon enough you'll be on your own
Steady and straight
And if they drag you through the mud
It doesn't change what's in your blood
(Over rock, over chain, over trap, over plain)
When they knock you down

Don't break character
You've got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Be still
Be still
Be still
Be still

Over rock and chain
Over sunset plain
Over trap and snare
When you're in too deep
In your wildest dream
In your made up scheme
When they knock you down
When they knock you down

Don't break character
You've got so much heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Oh rise up like the sun and
Labor 'til the work is done
Rise up like the sun and 
Labor 'til the work is 
Rise up like the sun and 
Labor 'til the work is done

(Be Still / The Killers)

A Very Significant Sadness 

My heart aches at the news that my darling cousin, Matt, has passed away.  

Such a dear and precious person.  

Matt, I will miss your full and ready smile, your strong wiry hugs, your signature voice and sound and your never-ending patience and love for the rest of us. We, who could never really understand what it meant to live in perpetual silence.  

I think of the words to "Starry, Starry Night" about Vincent Van Gogh and they achingly remind me of you:

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colors on the snowy linen land

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope was left in sight
On that starry, starry night
You took your life, as lovers often do
But I could have told you, Vincent
This world was never meant for one 

As beautiful as you

Rest peacefully sweet cousin-- until we meet again. XO

Find the River

I hope I remember this morning.  Last night was a late night at the Haunted Forest for Nick and Nicholas, so I opted out of yoga to let Nick sleep in.  Nicholas did not enjoy the same indulgence since he promised if we let him work school nights he'd get up for seminary.  And he did.  He woke up pleasantly, ate his eggs, and went to the car a few minutes early to plug in his ipod.  When I got in, he was playing something loud. "Mom, when I heard this song play last night in the front circle I leveled like four groups; I was so pumped.  I was on stilts and my knee was burning but it was so fun."

The song played and I smiled at the memories it would later bring him.  Probably images of a pulsing crowd, frightened faces, party lights flickering in the distance and the smell of smoke and funnel cake riding the current of the forest air. A few minutes later Jack got into the car and the first song gave way to the second.  They were surprisingly chatty, not a common occurrence for red-eyed teenagers driving to seminary in the cold, black morning.  As we passed Aunt Jills, the second song became the third and I thought, "Oh, REM, I love them. I bet Nicholas doesn't even know this song, since he got most of his music from Nick's computer."  As if he'd read my mind, Nicholas told Jack that this was his favorite REM song.  Ironically, I said, "What's the name of it again?" "Find the River," he told me.  "It has the best words of them all."  It has the best words of them all? He's listening.  Me, my thoughts are flower strewn, ocean storm, bayberry moon. I have got to leave to find my way... I sought to really listen until we turned the last corner and he pulled the plug on the tunes.  "See ya, Mom."

It was no surprise that my eyes teared as I watched the two boys walk shoulder to shoulder up the dark pathway to the church.  They've about grown up.  They're thinking their own thoughts and discovering which songs touch their hearts and minds.  My first, fleeting impulse was to call Jessica and say, "You won't believe it, but I'm looking at it right now. Those little boys of yours are going to grow old." I sat there in my robe and thought a minute, then plugged in my phone and selected the song that speaks to my boy.  My heart warmed as I thought of him, and why he loves the words.  I imagine it has a lot to do with the river and his excitement for paddling, but does it go any deeper?  Could he possibly feel the same poignant nostalgia that the song wells up in me?  For it's compelling metaphor of a boy who is just setting out on life.  Does he recognize the beautiful, poetic images of home and the natural world set against the pull of the world.  Maybe. But maybe not yet.  For now, perhaps, the promise of a winding river emptying into the open sea is enough for a kid of fifteen. Either way, I am compelled to sit on my couch in the first light of morning and write a few words to a boy I love.  This is your song now, Nicholas.  Pick up here and chase the ride. The river empties to the tide. All of this is coming your way.

Hey now, little speedyhead,
The read on the speedmeter says
You have to go to task in the city
Where people drown and people serve.
Don't be shy. Your just deserve
Is only just light years to go.

Me, my thoughts are flower strewn
Ocean storm, bayberry moon.
I have got to leave to find my way.
Watch the road and memorize
This life that pass before my eyes.
Nothing is going my way.

The ocean is the river's goal,
A need to leave the water knows
We're closer now than light years to go.

I have got to find the river,
Bergamot and vetiver
Run through my head and fall away.
Leave the road and memorize
This life that pass before my eyes.
Nothing is going my way.

There's no one left to take the lead,
But I tell you and you can see
We're closer now than light years to go.
Pick up here and chase the ride.
The river empties to the tide.
Fall into the ocean.

The river to the ocean goes,
Afortune for the undertow.
None of this is going my way.
There is nothing left to throw
Of Ginger, lemon, indigo,
Coriander stem and rose of hay.
Strength and courage overrides
The privileged and weary eyes
Of river poet search naivete.
Pick up here and chase the ride.
The river empties to the tide.
All of this is coming your way.

Wonderful Wernly!

I know the kids are not quite there yet--but someday they will look back and realize that Jeanne was probably the greatest teacher and influence they had outside of family.  She sits with them week after week, year after year and words cannot express the gratitude I feel for her.  She is gifted beyond words and has truly made my kids talented.  I am so happy we found her.  She said that I, along with Lisa Holmstead, have logged more hours on her couch than anyone.  Time well spent.  I've loved watching my kids bloom under her care.  I honestly hope they appreciate her like they should someday and that they never stop playing.  Thank you, Jeanne!

Mine all Mine

Today has been spectacular and it's only just past noon. I can't believe what a little solitude can do. Let me recommend sending your husband and children away for a few days while you stay home; no hotel necessary! Yesterday I cleverly hired a cleaner to come clean my house so my weekend would be dust, clutter, kid and crud free. Then.. I went to Whole Foods and bought exactly what I wanted to eat. I slept until 8:00 and tweaked a great playlist in bed until 9:00. Then I went to a yoga class that was amazing--super packed and super hard. The drive was beautiful--the weather is all spring with blue skies and daffodils; I opened the sunroof and plugged in my favorite tunes. When I got home I took a shower and put a scrub and mask on my face and teeth whiteners in--I'm not messin' around! I opened almost all the windows in the house because the temperature is unreal gorgeous and put on my aqua robe for the day and cranked my "Relax" playlist which made the birds go manic. I know I've been using far too many superlatives this post, but I swear I have the best music for a day like today.

Just as I was finishing my lunch prep Nick pulled in to get something, so we ate together. I made an awesome salad with grilled chicken, tomatoes, avocados, kalamata olives, pumpkin seeds, feta and the best garlicky lemon dressing you've ever tasted (thanks Jek!). So good in fact my neighbors called to say they could smell my breath from their porch. Anyway it was nice to see Nick coming up the drive and even better to see him goin' back down it. Best thing he said was "I think I'll take the kids camping every month." Can we swear in blood on that?

I then took up a spot near my bedroom window and began again to plink away.. life is good.

A new baby...GRAND!

Amazon didn't deliver this baby! Straight from Florida came our beautiful Baldwin. It was sad to say good-bye to the good ol' Baldwin Acrosonic. It was also from Grandma and was the first piano I ever played on.. it made it across the country in our purple VW and has been a dear friend through the years. The kids will miss it's loose keys and chipped ivories but it's time to move on to bigger and better things...

...thanks forever Grandma and Grandpa Daryl.

No doubt this is a gift that will keeping on giving!

The King's Singers

While I'm recommending, I thought I'd share one of my best finds this year, The King's Singers. Our wonderful friends, Scott and Kari, invited us to their concert in early December which put me in the Christmas spirit like nothing else. This vocal group from England, takes their name from King's College Cambridge where some of it's early members were scholars. It's a little different, and I'm mostly partially to listening to their Christmas stuff, but if you love incredible harmonies and a crystal clear sound, you'll probably like them. I literally have never heard a more impressive live performance. Their voices were unbelievably clear, spot-on and beautifully blended--not to mention they performed entirely a cappella. The song that blew me away for sound and exceptional lyrics was Born on a New Day which was written for Christmas and is an adaptation of their most well known song, You are the New Day. I have a playlist called "relax," where I put all my new age and instrumental stuff that I love. Look below for some of my favorites--old and new-- then go visit itunes and see if you feel the same. I really believe you can't judge anything fully, until you put it loud in your earphones and give it 2 or 3 tries...but that's just me. For my very favorites go here.

What do you relax to?

King's Singers favorites:

Born on a New Day, Always a Woman, Lullaby, Home, You are the New Day,

More new favorites:

The Voice of Angels-- Ademius (amazing-crank it!) Pie Jesu (beautiful)

Cocteau Twins--Carolyn's Fingers (recently rediscovered--ethereal)

How to Train a Dragon--Forbidden Friendship (awesome)

Natalie Merchant--My Skin (old but love the melancholy sound)

Slumdog Millionaire--Latika's Theme (lovely)

BORN ON A NEW DAY

You are the new day,

Meekness, love, humility,
Come down to us this day:
Christ, your birth has proved to me
You are the new day.

Quiet in a stall you lie,
Angels watching in the sky
Whisper to you from on high:
'You are the new day.'

When our life is darkest night,
Hope has burned away,
Love, your ray of guiding light,
Show us the new day.

Love of all things great and small,
Leaving none, embracing all,
Fold around me where I fall,
Bring in the new day.

This new day will be a turning point
For every one,
If we let the Christ-child in,
And reach for the new day.

Christ the Way, the Truth, the Life,
Healing sadness, ending strife,
You we welcome, Lord of Life.
Born on a new day,
You are the new day.

Savior of the World

The Resurrection

May 7 & 8, 2010

So I guess you could say I'm in my post-show funk. Actually, I'm doing better now, but last week I was big-time depressed it was over. I really can't say enough about how much I loved the whole experience. I enjoyed it on so many levels. The picture above is the gift we gave our bishop at our cast party. I had it printed on canvas and framed like a painting. It was bittersweet, since they released him as our bishop, the Sunday after our final performance. Nick was also released as his counselor. It was sad timing, considering the experience we had just shared. He is an amazing man and will really be missed. What a wonderful gift he gave us. He really believed our ward could produce this play on our own and I think we did a great job.

We performed it at our church building and opened it to the public. We had close to 200 people for each of the three shows, so that was exciting.

Nick and his crew did a great job on the set. He made it out of foam then used a blow torch to carve out the stones. It really looked authentic when the lights were turned low. My kids all asked "Where are the skeletons?!" since it reminded them of all the Haunted Forest stuff he's built. Not this time... resurrected folks only!

Jill as Mary Magdalene

It was so fun to have three sisters, two kids, two nephews, a brother, a sister in law and brother in law all in the show. Kinda crazy...when does something like that ever happen? Jill and John both had to really step outside of their comfort zone. They each sang more than one solo which neither of them has ever done before. They did such an awesome job and it was really gratifying to hear over and over, "I had no idea Jill and John could sing!" I'm sure the anxiety lobbed off a few years from their lives but I've no doubt it was worth it.

Jon Layne portrayed the Savior

My friend Kristi, came to our dress rehearsal and took tons of pictures. Of course the lighting was low, so they aren't perfectly crisp, but I am so happy to have them. She got some really fantastic shots. The one above is my favorite. Kristi's husband played Peter who is also pictured in the photo.

John as Thomas

When the bishop asked me direct this I was a little worried that I wouldn't end up liking the play or the songs. I was totally unfamiliar with it. I thought it would be cheesy or overly sentimental etc. I'm not a huge fan of a lot of modern church music, so I was sort of apprehensive. Anyway, I was very surprised by how beautiful the music is. It has more of a classical sound and the words are based on scripture which I like.

so proud of my peeps

Like Jill and John, most people in the play had never done much of anything in theater before. I loved watching everyone stretch themselves and get over their insecurities and just go for it. It was really rewarding to witness. Everyone was so encouraging and positive and I know it was so fun for them to do something so entirely different. When we were first considering doing the show, one of the big questions was whether or not we could get enough men to take part. There were about 15 parts for men--mostly apostles. It was super cool to see so many willing men take time from their lives and careers, and sign on to this project. I'm going to miss them.

One of the best parts of the experience, was watching my brother in law, Jon. When he agreed to play the part of Christ, we told him that we would be using a voice-over from Salt Lake, since that's how many performances are done. About a month into it, we felt like he so "fit" the part that we decided to have him perform live. With a beard, Jon looks so much like many of the paintings of Jesus. His voice was beautiful and he spent so much time getting it just right. I am so happy we went with his voice. He was an amazing likeness in every way.

I have to say that more than anything else, the best part of doing this show was all the friendships that were made. I am so lucky to have so many family living nearby but sometimes it keeps us from getting to know other people. I absolutely LOVED working with so many cool people. We had such great times at the rehearsals and shows... it really is such a bummer not to see everyone regularly anymore.

I have the best memories of being in ward and stake productions when I was young. We did so much more of this type of stuff when I was little, so I'm really glad my kids got to experience it. Even Mitchell was feeling the love by the end of it and asked, "Can I be in it next time?"

One thing I'll say for our ward is that it is filled with overachievers. I mean that in a good way. Every person does their very best. My friend Terry was in charge of the costumes and they turned out amazing. The costumes and the set really made such a difference--visually, everything looked fantastic.

Lots of men grew beards for the event. It was crazy seeing them all shorn and buzzed last Sunday after months of the Grizzly Adams look.

SOTW

Cast and Crew

I've had little else going on the past few months besides this show and it has been a highlight of my life for sure. I thought I would be disappointed not being in it, but it was really gratifying and fun trying my hand at directing. I'm so glad the Bishop took a chance on me and that I got to work with so many awesome people. This is an experience I'll remember for a long, long time.

I don't know what it is with me, or if it's true of human nature, that when you are the most busy and stressed you choose to do something totally unnecessary and unrelated to the task at hand. That would be this post. I haven't written in over a month due to "busyness," yet I choose the day of our dress rehearsal to explain myself. Maybe this will be just the therapy I need to keep the cold sores from rearing their ugly head, however. The last time I did something similar to this, I got two of the most horrific herpes on my lips the night before the performance... I could barely face people I was so heinous. Wish my lips luck, please.

Two months ago, our Bishop decided to have our ward perform the second act of the play Savior of the World and asked me to direct it. It has been a major undertaking for many of us and I have pretty much loved every minute. Anyone who's ever been part of a cast and crew knows the camaraderie that comes along with a production, and I have entirely enjoyed the whole experience. Nearly everyone in my family has taken part in one form another-- from acting to sewing to watching all the actors' kids in the basement of the church, it's been a tremendous group effort for our family and our ward. I have to admit I'll be sad to see it end.

My parents are in town for the week since all of their East-end kids are in it--minus me--but I feel like I am. Everyone involved has put so much heart into this show-- so I'm hoping like crazy it comes off well.. it really is a beautiful play. Why it took me six weeks to sit down and write this, I'll never know. But boy will Nick be thrilled "Flyin' Free" has been bumped a notch!

Simple Gifts

Tis the gift to be simple, tis the gift to be free

'tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
It will be in the valley of love and delight

When true simplicity is gained,

To bow and to bend we shan't be ashamed.

To turn, turn will be our delight,
'Til by turning, turning we come round right.

'Tis the gift to be loved and that love to return,
'Tis the gift to be taught and a richer gift to learn,
And when we expect of others what we try to live each day,
Then we'll all live together and we'll all learn to say,

'Tis the gift to have friends and a true friend to be,
'Tis the gift to think of others not to only think of me,
And when we hear what others really think and really feel,
Then we'll all live together with a love that is real.

Stream of Life

I know you've seen it but watch it again.

It makes the world feel small.  

And kindred.

Here is a translation of the poem that was the original basis for the song. 

Read it until you understand it is my suggestion.  "Beauty is truth, truth beauty."

Stream of Life
by Rabindranath Tagore

The same stream of life that runs through my veins night and day
runs through the world and dances in rhythmic measures.

It is the same life that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth
in numberless blades of grass
and breaks into tumultuous waves of leaves and flowers.

It is the same life that is rocked in the ocean-cradle of birth
and of death, in ebb and in flow.

I feel my limbs are made glorious by the touch of this world of life.
And my pride is from the life-throb of ages dancing in my blood this moment.

Lub dub..........Lub dub......Lub dub

I'm alive.  It's just that it's spring break.  Kids are home.  Nothing planned.  Nick's in project mode.  Kitchen's a mess.  I need attention.  Then, I find something.  And it was Some Great Reward. (recognize that?)

If you are not a Depeche Mode freak then unpack your bags, they'll be no holiday here.  Yet, if you are...indulge me.

Nineteen years ago I was young.  Young, emotional and kissing a long-haired boy in the park.  We shared enough in common, but mostly a matchless love for the boy band mentioned heretofore. I was smitten.  And then one night (in a word), scorned.  Well, not truly scorned if you look up the actual definition, but it did feel like a hot iron brand to the heart. You remember, you've been there.  So it was in the dark hours of morning, (in an effort to heal myself) I sat upright in my bed and poured pain to paper.  

Preface ended, I offer you my unsent letter (down below)... filled to overflowing with palpable teen-age angst and a wee bit of brilliance, I must admit.  Misery makes a marvelous muse. But, like I said, if you're not a DM dyed-in-the-wool you may not get my Meaning of Love. 

(P.S.  Cut me some slack.  This is decades before I could vent my emotions on Facebook Status).

ODE TO THE MODE

or

My Sad Song of an Unsent Letter

When I'm with you baby I go outta my head and I just can't get enough I just can't get enough

But, oh, what can you do when he's dressed in black? Complicating, circulating. Yet the policy of truth is

I feel fragile, like a baby in your arms, and everyday there are flies on the windscreen (for a start)

reminding us we could be torn apart. But, I haven't felt so alive in years and

As desperately as my soul begs you to come here, touch me, kiss me, touch me, now

I know it will forever be perceived as a question of lust, a question of trust, a question of not letting what we have built just crumble to dust...

It is all of these things. And more.

So here is a plea, my heart to you, because nobody knows me as well as you do.

You know how hard it is for me to shake the disease.

And I recognize in a case like this, it's just a question of time before tears are falling.

For you, words are very unnecessary they can only do harm. You can hold tight and enjoy the silence but,

Things like this make me sick.

Understand me.

Some people have to be permanently together, lovers devoted to each other forever. And that is me. So I gotta get back to where

I can take a ride with my best friend and still see the stars they're shining bright because the worst kind of diseased mind is one filled with jealousy.

I will not ask for you to never let me down, only

to be gentle with me...... I'd never willingly do you harm.

Yours,

with every thought and with every breath.

How many songs can you name 

without googling?

"We interrupt this card-stuffing

for a very important message"

The season is flying by and I'm not writing what I intended to....so here are a few midnight mentionables before I go back to the licking, I mean sponging (thank you kind readers). I think that Santa Calls has to be my very favorite Christmas book. Oddly, it doesn't seem like a natural fit for me--given the style of the illustrations and the adventuresome plot--(I usually prefer quaint, traditional illustrations and boring-ish, slow plots) BUT...that ending. I swear it gets me every last time. Every last time. I remember reading it to my parents one year, and midway-through I noticed their faces silently communicating "this is really your favorite?" and then....that ending. Ahh yes, unexpected tears. I don't mean to build it up too much but it's a fantastic read and if you have children who sometimes fail to get along, you will appreciate it all the more. Last night I read it to my boys and still, at the end, I was choking through the last page. Nicholas looks up and says,

"It's not sad, Mom." I tried to explain why it was ever so touching.

"Mom, don't you remember Where the Red Fern Grows? That was sad."

Poor kid. He's probably still disturbed from reading the last chapter of that torture with me. Snot dripping from here to my chin--gasping like a two-year old after a tantrum; it was ugly. But I digress. Get this book.

This is the ultimate Christmas CD to me. It by no means replaces Bing, Perry, Nat or the other must-haves but I cannot listen to this without being transported to another time and lifted up to where we belong, where eagles fly on a mountain high.....(slightly dramatic, but I love it!). If you don't know anything about John Rutter, I will tell you he is a master at music composition and lyrics and I think without a doubt his Christmas pieces are his very best work.

About three years ago Nick was driving a bus route for some reason. It was dark outside, blustery and freezing. I remember him calling me on his cell but the connection was horrible and all I could hear was wind and the rumble of the engine in the background. I managed to get something like, "Christmas. spirit. unbelievable. choked-up. song." DEAD. When he got home he told me he had just listened to the most beautiful Christmas song he'd ever heard. It completely put him in the Christmas mood and he immediately decided he had to find it. Eventually he did, and John Rutter and the Cambridge Singers is what he uncovered. The song was "Candlelight Carol." Ever since it has been our favorite song of the season. Nearly all of the songs have the most amazing lyrics and melodies, and in my opinion, are a wonderful compliment to (and change from) the more "traditional" holiday music.

Here are the lyrics to Candlelight Carol:

How do you capture
The wind on the water?
How do you count all the stars in the sky?
How can you measure
The love of a mother
Or how can you write down
A baby's first cry?

Candlelight, angel light
Firelight and star glow
Shine on his cradle till breaking of dawn
Gloria, Gloria in excelsis Deo!
Angels are singing
The Christ child is born

Shepherds and wise men
Will kneel and adore him
Seraphim round him their vigil will keep
Nations proclaim him
Their Lord and their Saviour
But Mary will hold him
And sing him to sleep

Candlelight, angel light
Firelight and star glow
Shine on his cradle till breaking of dawn
Gloria, Gloria in excelsis Deo!
Angels are singing
The Christ child is born

Find him at Bethlehem laid in a manger
Christ our Redeemer asleep in the hay
Godhead incarnate and hope of salvation
A child with his mother
That first Christmas Day

Candlelight, angel light
Firelight and star glow
Shine on his cradle till breaking of dawn
Gloria, Gloria in excelsis Deo!
Angels are singing
The Christ child is born
Angels are singing
The Christ child is born

Rolo Turtles

Fastest Christmas treat this side of the......

seriously it is.

If you want to do something really meaningful with your three year old but only want to spend say.....six or seven minutes, make these. All you do is this:

Buy small pretzels, Rolos, and pecan halves. Unwrap candy and put one on top of each pretzel on a cookie sheet. Put in oven at 250 degrees for about 3 minutes. When they come out push a pecan half on top. Let them sit until they are solid again. They are super good and super quick. And ...you feel GREAT about time well-spent with the kid.

Seven days to go!