Be Still

Someday I will be old and near-blind and I will scroll through this blog to reminisce. This photo will remind me of one moment in time I never want to forget.  All I will need to do is plug this song into my ears and I will be transported to the very essence of this memory.  It was one of those poignant times where I was filled with so much love and gratitude for all of life's goodness and blessings, which seems ironic considering we were driving to the burial site of our dear cousin, Matt.  

It was in this space of sadness and grief that I was given this incredible glimpse of how great God truly is to give us families and the hope of a better world to come.  With four of my five siblings, I drove through the deserts of Southern Utah with music blaring and the wind in our hair--lost in our thoughts, the sights and the serenity of experiencing both the nearness of death and the absolute richness of life. Opposition in all things.  When "Be Still" came on, we too grew still and listened with a collective intensity, sharing the same thoughts and feelings as the lyrics swelled our hearts and seemed to capture the very spirit of Matt's life. We took turns reminiscing and expressing our love and appreciation for him and the gift we had been given to feel him so near through the message and mood of that song. 

Be still

And go on to bed
Nobody knows what lies ahead
And life is short
To say the least
We're in the belly of the beast

Be still
Wild and young
Long may your innocence reign
Like shells on the shore
And may your limits be unknown
And may your efforts be your own
If you ever feel you can't take it anymore

Don't break character
You've got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Rise up like the sun
Labor 'til the work is done

Be still
One day you'll leave
Fearlessness on your sleeve
When you've come back, tell me what did you see
What did you see?
Was there something out there for me?

Be still
Close your eyes
Soon enough you'll be on your own
Steady and straight
And if they drag you through the mud
It doesn't change what's in your blood
(Over rock, over chain, over trap, over plain)
When they knock you down

Don't break character
You've got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Be still
Be still
Be still
Be still

Over rock and chain
Over sunset plain
Over trap and snare
When you're in too deep
In your wildest dream
In your made up scheme
When they knock you down
When they knock you down

Don't break character
You've got so much heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Oh rise up like the sun and
Labor 'til the work is done
Rise up like the sun and 
Labor 'til the work is 
Rise up like the sun and 
Labor 'til the work is done

(Be Still / The Killers)

Happy Birthday Baby Blue-eyes

 

Fifteen years old for this incredible child of mine!  Natalie is wise beyond her years, competent, kind and and quickly becoming one of my very best friends.  A special birthday for a most remarkable girl! 

What Matters Most 

 Valentines breakfast with my little loves. 

A Balmy Thanksgiving

Well here we are again! But this time on a boat. I never thought I'd want to be away from home for Thanksgiving but I guess the Caribbean had never been an option before. Catch ya later, pilgrims!

We made some wonderful memories on this trip! (Be glad I spared you my puking video). And I don't think we'd trade our dinner of stove-top flank steak and potatoes made in our cabin kitchen for anything.  It felt adventurous, peaceful and freeing to do something so out of the ordinary.  I think I could live part of the year on the water, it feels so separate from the world.  We missed the lovies at home, but sailing the turquoise blue by day and gently rocking to sleep at night will be part of my dreams forever.

Close Call

Unfortunately, and in the words of Robert Frost, I am writing this post "ages and ages hence" so I will definitely lose the fresh emotion of this story but it is certainly worth documenting.  Of all the crazy things Nick's done in his life, I don't think anyone would have thought his closest run-in with death would come from a dirty piece of plastic from the Potomac River getting lodged in his ankle. But, this was the case.  In July, 2012, Anjie's sister, Tia, was in town with her family so Nick agreed to head up a canoe trip for a bunch of us.  Nothing out of the ordinary but before we even got started, Nick lost his footing on the muddy edge of the river and slid from the bank into the water and punctured his heel on something.  In true Nick form, it hurt, but he never mentioned it.  By that night, however, the wound was dark red and really hurting.  He was heading out on a high adventure kayaking trip in a few days so he figured he better get some antibiotics.  That he did and the next day--no change but the pain was intense.  He went back to the doctor and they gave him something else and he headed to West Virginia in more pain than I had ever seen him in, but with the faith the medicine would kick in and all would be fine.

According to him that was probably the worst week of his life.  It was all he could do to make it through the pain during the day but by night he would have to completely drop out of commission and elevate it just to bear it at all.  Nights were awful and on the third night he thought he'd need to go to the hospital but their location was so remote it was impossible.  He said one of the most sincere prayers of his life and by some miracle he made it through the next few days.  When he got home he went back to the doctor and his infection was out of control.  They ended up giving him a different round of antibiotics and we hoped for the best.  He muddled through the next week but would come home from work looking awful--terrible coloring, hot then cold, clammy and sweaty, his ankle ready and infected looking--nothing had changed.  All he would want was a green smoothie.  He'd say, "it's like my body is craving it--like I have to have it."    We had been drinking them daily for a few months now.  A week went by and on Saturday we were supposed to go to a Calleva event but Nick was feeling too awful.  That night we called the doctor on call and when he returned the call he was really short and rude.  Nick gave him a rundown of the past two weeks, the river infection, all the different meds,  and all the current symptoms he was having--that he'd made little improvement and was actually feeling worse.  The doctor had the nerve to tell him to take a Benadryl and then hung up.  I was so undone by the conversation and what a jerk he had been that I said I couldn't go to bed without saying a prayer together.  Following that prayer,  I had a dagger stab my heart so sharply and clearly with dread that I knew instantly he had to go to the hospital.  When we got there and the nurse took a look at him, she put him ahead of everyone and said he was in big time danger as his body was going septic.  He then spent the next days in the hospital with all kinds of specialists and on an IV drip.

 We ended up calling our good friend from church, Ruth, who is an infectious disease doctor and she immediately took him under her wing.  In a nutshell this resulted in saving his life.  She truly believed that something was stuck in his foot even though it didn't come up on the X-ray.  I am so grateful for her.  She said she literally couldn't believe the healthy state Nick must have been in, because there was no explanation for the week preceding admission into the hospital.  She said his immune system did wonders at keeping the sepsis at bay because by the time he was admitted he was in terrible shape and the infection in his foot was out of control.  To this day, both Nick and I think the smoothies are to thank.  He would not have been able to survive that week had his body not been so healthy and ready to fight.

Long story short.. he had surgery and sure enough Ruth was right-- there was a weird piece of plastic inside his foot just keeping everything festering.  He wasn't out of the dark yet, his body was a wreck.  He stayed on the IV drip for a whole month after the surgery.  He had to carry that bag around day and night and he felt lousy.  He seriously never complained and did his best to set an amazing example for the kids.  It was a really scary thing to go through.  I'm just so grateful for receiving the warning that I did that night and for amazing doctors and friends like Ruth who go above and beyond to help people. Also, for the fighter that I married.  He's one amazingly tough man and I love him.

Happy Day

Now why we ended up in front of the church, I'll never know.  We let a little rain lure us away from Jill's gorgeous backyard and so here we are.  That aside, this little photo sesh was wonderful in it's own right.  Gives me pause to reflect as I click through the pictures one by one.  I love my family more than anything, ever.  I applaud my mom and dad for raising us to be happy, confident adults who sincerely adore each other.  Those feelings extend to my in laws and nieces and nephews and there is no place I'd rather be than in their company.  I am truly lucky, blessed and loved.  100% happy.

Wonderful Wernly!

I know the kids are not quite there yet--but someday they will look back and realize that Jeanne was probably the greatest teacher and influence they had outside of family.  She sits with them week after week, year after year and words cannot express the gratitude I feel for her.  She is gifted beyond words and has truly made my kids talented.  I am so happy we found her.  She said that I, along with Lisa Holmstead, have logged more hours on her couch than anyone.  Time well spent.  I've loved watching my kids bloom under her care.  I honestly hope they appreciate her like they should someday and that they never stop playing.  Thank you, Jeanne!

MVP's

We started a new tradition--well, can you really call it a tradition if you've only done it once?  Perhaps we'll see what happens next year before giving it "tradition" status so readily.  Anyway, it was fun to think about one way each kid stood out this year.  We had a special dinner then we talked about them individually and presented them with a little prize and award. It felt like very easy to identify for each of them this go 'round.  Camille went back to kindergarten and had a wonderful year--after her false start the year before. We are so, so glad we pulled her out.  Natalie, proved to thrive in middle school and totally blossomed and came into her own this year.  She is a favorite of the teachers.  It was great having the boys home this year.  Nicholas was truly a good sport and humored me along with a great attitude and was game for anything.  Mitchell was just as nice.  He was positive, happy and very easy going.  The whole home school experience was great.  It definitely didn't turn out like I thought it would--but I don't feel bad about it.  It evolved into what it was and there it is. No guilt.  They're loved what else is there?  No guilt.

Anyway, the pictures speak for themselves.  We're blessed with exceptional kids--bottom line.  They are awesome just the way they are and it's been fun watching them take on lives and personalities all their own.  Now, bring on summer!

As Quick as a Wink

I don't remember where "as quick as a wink" came from... maybe my mom or Grandma Katie, but I say it to my kids whenever I want something done quickly.  I've also come to associate the phrase with how fast certain things we love dash by-- vacations, summer break, Christmas, college, childhood, time with loved ones.  And we all know that once we hit about 35, and our kids go to school, time stealthily tilts itself downward and moves with relentless speed.  One day I'll print this blog and maybe in some future day my children will read this post, and if they do they will know that if I had my wish, time would stop here. And just to make things warm and fun, we'll be in St. John when it grinds to a halt.

Just the other day Jill and I were discussing my usual complaint of time moving too quickly.  Nicholas is in high school--only four more years, Natalie has grown up over the winter, Mitchell has lost his baby teeth, and Camille is buying wedges.  I hate it.  "But Jennifer, think about it. Would you really have wanted to stay young and live with Mom and Dad forever and never had all your fun experiences and had kids and all that?"  Wheels turning.. digging deep.  "Yes."  And I meant it.  I meant it knowing it was a strange fiction.  No, I guess I wouldn't want to be a kid forever, or stay in college forever or have babies forever, but at the time I would have chosen to stay put, yes I would.  I realize the bottom line for me is:  I have loved every stage of my life.  I owe that last reality to GOD.  So, thank You. So much.  I have the clearest memory of being in about 8th grade, in junior high and thinking, "I could die right now completely satisfied because my life has been so happy and complete." And I meant it.  I've thought that all along the way.  I could die satisfied and blessed, though I don't want to.

Whenever I hear or read the quote, "grow old along with me the best is yet to be" I just get defensive and the internal dialogue starts buzzing.  Oh really, the best is yet to be?  So the idea is that the best, the very best of life lies in what comes next; the prize is found in the future? So, where does it end?  Death?  True happiness lies in being dead?  I don't know.  Maybe so.  Who am I to say?  I just have an issue with that concept since I find it very hard to believe that life just gets better and better. I like to think of it as even.  In my experience the happiness cards have been evenly dealt. I hope my future hand is as good as the past, though I'm looking forward and I don't like what I see. Carnage, really.  That being said, I'm sure I'll enjoy all my wrinkly old lady, people dying, kid-less life experiences to the max. I mean, so far so good.

Anyway, back to the future and my kids reading this post.  Know this:  your mother loves you. She loved you as infants and adores you even still.  And though she pines for the past, she savors the present because these days will pass, as surely as the sun goes down.